ANALYZING THE CONCEPT OF THE SOFT BOY

The universe is full of contradictions and confusions. Women pull women down in their fight for equality

and women’s rights, with mothers adamant on securing dowries for their sons and sisters silencing one

another so they can keep the family’s ‘honor’ intact. If aliens came down to earth and witnessed these

things, they’d probably ask why the family’s storehouse of honor is between the legs of their

daughters. Perhaps the pantry was full.

However, this article isn’t about the age-old struggle of womankind. Its about a quieter issue. The issue

of toxic masculinity. Why would men feel so ashamed of crying? Tears are a natural response, it is

something that cannot be stopped and yet, every time I cry, I burn up with shame. Why is this? We are

taught not to show vulnerability within this system of men pulling other men down into the prison cell

of fake invincibility. We lift weights and rejoice in the feeling of power course through us as our muscles

scream out, but we must understand that to be invincible is to stop being human. Even muscles bleed

when you prick them with a knife, no matter how powerful you make them. Even I stand guilty of

running away from what I really am – a human being, with emotions to share, art to create and tears to

cry.

Since the dawn of time, human beings have tried to classify things with the view to make life simpler.

We’ve done this with music, movies, food, books, people, ethnicities and even genders. Every girl I’ve

met has insisted either that all boys are the same, or that there are different categories of boys. These

categories often include e-boys, fuckboys and soft boys. I’m sure the reader is familiar with these

categories but let me just take a moment to talk about soft boys.

The urban dictionary uses words like “less masculine”, “cute” and “adorable” to describe soft boys. A

quick google search furnished me with a variety of insights into this interesting category for boys. I

quickly learned that some soft boys have a darker side to their intentions and I also learned that most

soft boys are harmless, interesting individuals. At the end of the day, its safe to say that women see soft

boys as individuals who share their emotions and are more in-touch with their feelings. Now, if men

must be taught to free themselves from the shackles of toxic masculinity, isn’t the term ‘soft boy’

detrimental to that aim?

By categorizing males who are in-touch with their emotions as ‘soft boys’ and calling them less

masculine, we as a society are shooting ourselves in the foot. There is nothing soft about someone who

understands their own emotions and aren’t afraid to be vulnerable. By fetishizing soft boys and creating

an aesthetic out of them, we are perpetuating a generation of men who will aspire never to be soft

boys, a generation which will bury themselves deep into their cocoon of toxic masculinity and continue

ignoring their emotions so that society doesn’t say they are less masculine.

Masculinity isn’t something that can be classified or put into a box. Men aren’t ‘simple’. Men are people,

and people will always be complex. Masculinity isn’t something that collapses when men face sexual

violence or domestic abuse. It isn’t something that can be taken away, just how integrity can’t be taken

away. Men who endure the ugliness of sexual violence and domestic abuse are silent victims in a war

that society refuses to acknowledge. You can’t measure masculinity; it isn’t the minutes you can plank or

the number of girls you’ve dated. Gender is a fluid, abstract notion and attempting to classify things

under the broad banner of masculinity is a fool’s errand. It is also a destructive errand, because we now

have a generation of boys who pretend they are in-touch with their emotions in order to attract girls,

since they know girls fetishize soft boys and find them cute. We now have a generation of individuals

who would laugh in the faces of male victims of sexual assault and say, “Well, what did you expect? You

were a soft boy.”

We live in a world where thought guides action. The term ‘soft boy’ perpetuates a pattern of thought

which trivializes men who understand their emotions and share their emotions.

I have a dream that one day, I’ll wake up to find that Batman learns the importance of showing affection

and appreciation to his Robins. I hope that Bob Kane redefines Batman and removes the cold,

indifferent, brooding man and replaces him with someone who shows his adopted children how much

he loves them and seeks therapy for the traumas of his childhood instead of staving them off with a stick

fashioned of sweat and useless resolve. Batman has always been one of my idols, but his emotional

intelligence was lacking in many respects. We must re-educate our youth and give them the right kind of

role models.

Let’s look at a hypothetical situation here. If Bruce Wayne got himself therapy to combat his childhood

traumas and learned to understand his emotions, he would have transformed himself into a warm,

emotionally intelligent individual. Many of his enemies have taken advantage of his childhood trauma

and have thus rattled him on numerous occasions (The Court of Owls), but our hypothetical batman

wouldn’t have this emotional trigger. He would be someone who understands the importance of trust

and showing affection in relationships – something that would help with his dynamics with all his

Robins. In fact, our hypothetical batman wouldn’t just be physically invincible (like the real batman) but

also emotionally and mentally unshakable. That makes him stronger. It doesn’t make him ‘softer’ or

‘cuter’, it makes him a mentally sound, healthy individual with no hidden triggers to be exploited. You

wouldn’t call him a soft boy or tell him how much his EQ turns you on.

Soft boys aren’t role models for men, they are meant to be the standard in male mental health.

Emotional intelligence isn’t something that must be fetishized or fashioned into an aesthetic. Stop

lauding ‘soft boys’ for being so in-touch with their emotions and start teaching your brothers that

showing emotion doesn’t make them soft. To everyone out there who has ever called me a soft boy,

stop fetishizing behavior that is meant to be rewarded. I am not a soft boy. I am a boy.

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Submission by Siddharth Nair

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