FROM ONE OVER THINKER TO ANOTHER

I’ve had a tough few nights recently. I thought things were getting better and I was finally getting a hold of my thoughts. I thought since new things are starting this month, things will only escalate positively and maybe, I finally won’t let my thoughts get the best of me.

I’ve never had a bad year in my life until 2020 showed up. I never thought I would face such extreme emotions and thoughts that make me want to punch the wall and hurt myself unknowingly. The kind of shit that makes you lose your appetite, makes you lose sleep, makes you lose the interest to do things that you once loved, makes you want to isolate yourself from everyone.

They hate you, they’ll replace you, you’re a bad person, you’re a burden to them, why can’t you get better, why do you come back to the same bad place, it’s your fault….. SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP! It’s chaos in my head. This was all very new to me. I’d been busy with school all these years, and suddenly I had all the time in the world. Nothing to do, no responsibilities, no exams, and my brain needed something to fill that emptiness I guess? Thus started the overthinking.

There was a particularly hard month last year where every day felt numbing. and I was just existing for the sole purpose of existing. I woke up with anxious thoughts. I’d lose my appetite mid meal because my brain started overthinking, which eventually led me to skipping meals. I couldn’t watch movies and shows because I used to zone out, start overthinking, and get anxious. Everything I did felt tainted with my negative thoughts. The only thing that did make my brain shut up was music at the highest volume to drown out my thoughts.

It scared me to think, “Is this who I really am under all that distraction? is this who I really am?” These thoughts would follow into a spiral in which I’m crying about the person I used to be. I used to not care, I used to never have troubles like this, I used to be so content, and now? It took me a while to realize that these negative feelings don't define who I am, I’m still the same person. And in a way these thoughts grounded me.

I think the hardest part about overthinking is trying to make yourself realize that your thoughts are not reality. Your mind is so stubborn that it will completely dismiss reality and make you live through your unreal thoughts. And sometimes talking to someone to rationalize your thoughts is the only thing that helps. Whenever you feel like whoever you want to talk to will judge you for how you feel, just pause and think for a moment. If the roles were to be reversed and someone were to come to you to talk about their problems, would you judge them?

Every time things seem to be looking better, it’s only a matter of seconds till it all becomes bad again. But I remind myself, healing isn’t linear. You’re bound to fall back sometimes and it matters more on how you deal with it. Each time it’ll get a little easier, each time it’ll hurt a little less, each time you’ll learn how to cope with it better.

Rant over.

-Anonymous submission